I have been thinking about completely unplugging from television. It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done at this point in my life. I’m an 80’s kid, we grew up in front of the television. My problem is my desire to write anything, a film or a really good show – because I have a few Ideas, are being stifled by my constant watching. I go to write a blog post, as I have so many times and I don’t finish. Yet somehow I have watched 5 television shows all day, and I have done no writing or posting. I know it’s the right thing to do, to just stop watching. I seriously make myself feel like shit from watching anyway. I just feel like a failure. The thoughts of how I am completely capable of good writing, and yet I am not doing it makes me sick sometimes, a lot of times! I enjoy going to the movies, yet I have a hard time sitting through one. I feel emotional and sad. I should be watching my own movie. I wonder what it feels like watching a film you wrote. Sitting there with it playing out in front of you. Your words on paper, coming out of the actor’s mouth on screen. I sit there and wonder those things.
My habits are bad though, as soon as I am done with this, I want to check for a new episode of “Better Things”. This new FX show that I am obsessed with. I listened to Pamela Adlon on the radio speaking about how the show came about and I could not wait to check it out. It was just as good as I had hoped, even better. I want to write something that good. Each episode better than the last. I watch and feel the emotions coming up. Grabbing my throat and chocking me as I try not to cry during every episode so far. The writing is phenomenal and just inspiring. I want to do that. I know I am relatable.
Shit my life is a comedy at times and tragic at others. The emotional rollercoaster I live on is easily joinable. I just have to learn to put myself out there and keep writing. I think that starts with no more television. Truthfully TV is my needle and all of the distracting programing is the heroin. I need it, I want it! It’s no good for me. As soon as I stick it in my veins there’s no more thoughts, my mind just goes to pain and disappear and I feel like a failure, I just need more to comfort me. That is what television does to me, that’s the hardest thing to let go of. The vicious cycle. I need to go see what I can watch. I am posting this so I think I deserve a reward.