life · Soccer Mom

Up All Night

Staying up all night messes with me.   I’m sitting here feeling like I’m on some sort of benzo trip. My hands are icy cold on top and warm and tingly on the bottoms.  I’m feel a range of emotions, mainly like I should feel guilty for something.  My heart is racing and my jaw is clenched tightly closed.  I cannot concentrate on finding anything to watch on the television.  I don’t want to sleep yet my body feels exhausted.    Doing graveyard shifts suck!   Thank God this shit is temporary!  Its hard being on the opposite schedule as the rest of my life.   Especially hard when you’re not supported emotionally either.   I mean my husband has stepped up while I’m working this crazy schedule temporarily.  It’s just that, I’m like waiting for the moment he’s pissed at me and talks so much shit about it.  Then all of the working and thinking he’s ok with it, will come flying at me and hit me in the face with the words he will say…  I’m not doing my job at home or I’m not being a good mother, whatever it is.  I know it will be something.   He can’t help himself. I don’t know why.  How come, after all these years of supporting his military career, than school, and work, and yeah I know I have not always been the best at it, but I have always been trying… Anyways how come now that we are settled, he can’t just let me do my thing at my job?  It’s a damn gas station people!  I gave up thinking I could go to school to be a forensic psychologist.  I’m not asking him to support me through all this intense college. I’m just assistant manager to a gas station.   IM A FUCKING CLERK!!!   My god.   I’m so stressed out.   It’s coming though, I know it is.  I’ll let you know when it does!!!!

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